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03-10-2008, 9:50 PM Anonymous Humor again It has been a long time since anything was posted under humor so I thought I would share this link with you. Our bikes may not have chains on them, but we all know someone we can shre this with. Be sure to work your way down the page and see the other tools for sale that are also good for a laugh. http://sheldonbrown.com/chainclean.html#shelbroconol Enjoy ... David from Wisconsin R80Dave

03-11-2008, 6:16 PM Ivanawphalytch Joined on 02-29-2008 Long Lake MI Posts 32 Re: Humor again As I sat here, munching a mittful of product W, I had visions of an incredibly fast bicycle with my ex-wife on it. I believe in freefall, you can approach 200 MPH. Shirley, you can attain that speed with the monospoke wheels and the 1/4 20 chain system. The chain cleaning system makes me very glad I have a driveshaft on all my vehicles. The Carrababy would not work for me as my baby weighs more than 120 pounds. She is my 3 year old filly, Angel, about 900 pounds. I will have to investigate a Real Man Saddle for one of my scoots. Ivan CX 650 C GL 1000 (2-79) ST1300 04    Report

03-14-2008, 9:23 PM dozer1 Joined on 05-26-2007 Boston, Massachussetts Posts 469 Re: Humor again This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.       A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.  They enter and the young man notices there are dirty dishes everywhere in the kitchen and living room, so he makes a note to not say a word.      After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.      They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.       The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!" 1980 CX500 "Stella" Dozer1 AKA Snowplow    Report

03-22-2008, 5:44 PM PWG in Lowgap NC Joined on 01-08-2008 Lowgap, North Carolina Posts 470 Re: Humor again I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case!!! 82 Honda GL 500 SilverWing Trike "Old Yeller" 06 Suzuki S 50 Boulevard Cruiser ANY WARM DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD ONE (unknown senior citizen)    Report

03-29-2008, 10:51 AM Anonymous Hazmat Information

04-03-2008, 4:12 PM DickInRaleigh Joined on 02-26-2006 5405 Thornhill Ct Posts 469 Anger Management Anger management    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it  out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on  someone you don't know.    I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to  make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying  "Hello."    I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn  Carter?"    Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f......ing  number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that  anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to  call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.    After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.  When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and  hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and  put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying  bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an  asshole!"    It always cheered me up.    When Caller, ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'  calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is  John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're  familiar with our Caller, ID Program?"    He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.    I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an  asshole!" and hung up.    One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.  Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had  patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting  for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in  his back window, so I wrote down his number.    A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had  his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole,  too.    I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" He said, "Yes,  it is."    I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"    He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow  Rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."    I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"    I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home  every evening after five."    I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" He said, "Yes?"    I said, "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number  to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to  call.      Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole 1. He said, "Hello."  I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, "Are  you still there?"  I said, "Yeah,"  He screamed, "Stop calling me,"  I said, "Make me,"  He asked, "Who are you?"  I said, "My name is Don Hansen."  He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"  I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd.,  in Fairfax, it's a yellow rambler and I have a black Beamer parked in  front."    He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start  saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and  hung up.    Then I called Asshole 2.  He said, "Hello?"  I said, "Hello, asshole."  He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."  I said, "You'll what?"  He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"  I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your  chance. I'm coming over right now."    Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived  at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to  kill my gay lover.    Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree  Blvd. in Fairfax.    I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just  in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front  of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news  crew.    NOW I feel much better.  Anger management really does work Sent to Dick by Ed B. A CB550F Nighthawk owner. Dick In Raleigh <><    Report

04-04-2008, 9:19 AM RichNCT Joined on 03-02-2006 Posts 2,079 Re: Anger Management HaHaHa, that's a good one Dick! Born to be relatively wild    Report

04-04-2008, 12:24 PM dozer1 Joined on 05-26-2007 Boston, Massachussetts Posts 469 Re: Anger Management A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started. 1980 CX500 "Stella" Dozer1 AKA Snowplow    Report

05-26-2008, 5:07 AM PWG in Lowgap NC Joined on 01-08-2008 Lowgap, North Carolina Posts 470 Re: Humor again Chili cooking contest Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank Judge #3) Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer... Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?" Judge # 3 -- Oh God........ 82 Honda GL 500 SilverWing Trike "Old Yeller" 06 Suzuki S 50 Boulevard Cruiser ANY WARM DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD ONE (unknown senior citizen)    Report

05-28-2008, 2:56 AM PWG in Lowgap NC Joined on 01-08-2008 Lowgap, North Carolina Posts 470 Re: Humor again The Italian Tomato Garden An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.   They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you,   Vinnie 82 Honda GL 500 SilverWing Trike "Old Yeller" 06 Suzuki S 50 Boulevard Cruiser ANY WARM DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD ONE (unknown senior citizen)    Report

06-06-2008, 2:36 AM Eagle1935 Joined on 05-07-2007 Stuttgart, Germany Posts 61 Re: Humor again Similar to Phil's. Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb? "Hello, is this the sheriff's office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy birthday, buddy!" <>< Jeff '81 CX 500 Custom    Report

06-18-2008, 4:14 PM Timothy_D Joined on 04-22-2006 Santa Rosa, CA Posts 691 BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN BEING A PROBLEM SOLVER... AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. 2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. 3. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. 4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer. 5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough. 7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 9.  Last, but not least, if you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Daily thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. Two '82 Turbos, GL650I, CX650C Why do I own four bikes? Because I'm not married. DUH!    Report

06-18-2008, 7:24 PM N.W.OhioNomad Joined on 05-31-2008 Archbold,OH Posts 33 Re: BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN BEING A PROBLEM SOLVER... Timothy-D  I would like to ammend your point #7 if I may. 3 tools needed a hammer,a torch,and a CONDOM if  you can't beat it,burn it, and if you can't burn it F#*k it ! LOL 1981 cx500c "silver bullet" "Its better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not" -carpy carpenter    Report

06-18-2008, 7:53 PM mcreviver Joined on 05-06-2007 Williamsport, PA Posts 568 Re: BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN BEING A PROBLEM SOLVER... An HD biker takes his first trip to Sturgis and the first night there ends up in one of the "clothing optional" campgrounds outside of town. The next day, after surviving a wild night of drinking and partying, decides he would ride around in a G string and his leather vest. He was having such a good time putting around looking at the scantily clad biker chicks that he doesn't notice that he is getting a third degree sunburn on top of his legs. He winds up in a hospital the next day in extreme pain. The doctor instructs the nurses to keep him hydrated, laying on his back and covered with a sheet. "Oh, and give him a Viagra tablet every six hours," he adds. "What is the Viagra for," ask the nurses? "To keep the sheet off his legs," explains the Doctor. Ron in PA    Report

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